Help! I Think My Spouse May Be a Porn Addict

by Diane Wood, M.S., MFT

The title of this article has become a familiar refrain heard by therapists everywhere. With the advent of the internet, porn has become available, anonymous, and affordable. People who, in the past, would not have gone to questionable or seedy places to obtain it can now view it at home or privately on one of many WiFi capable devices they own.

Our culture has an ambivalent view of sexuality. It is constantly pushing the edge to promote what is “sexy” yet recoils in shock when “edgy” behavior results in destroyed relationships. The words for beauty and sexy are often confused and interchanged. The boundaries around relational and sexual behavior have become blurred and permeable. Are you dating? Hooking up? Is marriage more than a piece of paper? Does commitment mean anything? Should sex be reserved for marriage? This chaotic mess comes to an abrupt halt when you feel betrayed in a relationship. The popular answers to these questions do nothing to help the pain of betrayal and the loss of trust in a relationship.

If you are reading this article, it’s possible you have felt betrayed in your current relationship or a past relationship. Perhaps you suspect your spouse is hooked on porn due to the inordinate amount of time he or she spends online. Maybe your suspicions are confirmed by a confession, a confrontation, or by checking the computers use history (cookies). You may have stumbled across evidence or perhaps you find yourself actively looking for evidence to prove your suspicions. You may be worried that the problem has gone further than porn use into interpersonal contact with someone outside your marriage.

It could be that you are further along than a nagging suspicion. You and your spouse have argued over porn use. Promises have been made and promises have been broken. You feel an overwhelming sense of dread, a weight in the pit of your stomach. You may be lurching between denial (this couldn’t be happening to me) and panic (how do I make it stop?). Perhaps you find yourself indulging in rageful and tearful confrontations. Why is this happening? Am I not attractive enough? Am I just crazy or jealous? Help! I didn’t sign up for this!

Addiction feels like a disaster spinning out of control. The band Lifehouse describes it in their song lyrics: “When will this end, it goes on and on, over and over and over again. Keep spinning around. I know it won’t stop ’til I step down from this for good. This sick cycle carousel.” The addict is the only one who can stop the addictive behavior. Those around the addict can only control how they respond to the addicts behavior. The spouse of an addict has their own journey to walk. Has your life strayed away from love and respect in your marriage? Have you lost yourself in trying to control another person’s addiction? Are you exhausted, resentful, and frightened? There is help for you. Consider contacting a therapist. You don’t have to go through this alone. We can walk with you along the path back to clarity and self-respect.

Resources:

Books:

• The Healing Choice: How to Move Beyond Betrayal, by Brenda Stoeker and Susan Allen
   
• Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction & the Healing Power of Jesus, by Russell Willingham

Groups:

• Northern California S-Anon Intergroup
  S-Anon is a 12 Step support group for friends and relatives of sexually addicted people.
   
• AVENUE… paving the way to help, hope and healing from sexual brokenness
  AVENUE paves the way to restoration in people’s lives through inspired recovery materials offering biblically sound guidance to change your circumstances and find lasting healing.
   
• Sexaholics Anonymous in the San Francisco Bay Area
  SA is a program of recovery for those who want to stop their sexually self-destructive thinking and behavior.
   
• Women in S.A.
  Offers fellowship and support and sevice; sharing ways to help ourselves and other women facing the challenges and miracles of recovery in Sexaholics Anonymous (S.A.).

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