What Makes a Marriage Last?

1. Seek Help Early If You’re Having Problems

The average couple waits six years before seeking help. Since half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years, it means that the average couple lives with unhappiness far too long, and the unhappiness results in distancing and the all too familiar “we’ve grown apart.”

2. Edit Yourself

Studies show that couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy subjects are consistently the happiest. Think about what you really want to communicate and what you want to accomplish with that communication.

3. Be Careful How You “Start Up” A Conversation

Marital researcher John Gottman says wives have a crucial role in keeping arguments from getting out of hand. Often arguments start up because the wife escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a dramatic, angry, or upsetting remark in a confrontational tone. Conversely, he recommends a “soft start-up” like “it’s been bothering me lately that…”

4. A Marriage Succeeds To The Extent That A Husband Can Accept Influence From His Wife

Gottman’s research shows that women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men. A true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.

What are some indications a couple may be headed for divorce?

If the way you relate to each other is filled with criticism, defensiveness (that includes rehearsing thoughts in your mind like “I don’t have to take this”), stonewalling and contempt (which can be shown in the smallest of gestures like looking away or rolling your eyes when your partner is speaking). Gottman refers to these as the “Four Horseman of the Apocalypse” because of their extreme destructiveness to a relationship.

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